What is our current sense of loss?

This could be the loss of income, of a job, of the level of freedom and choice we enjoyed only a year ago, before a virus became a global pandemic and changed the world as we knew it. In many cases of course, we are grieving the loss of a friend or loved one to this illness.
For me, a recent, and widely commented upon, article in the New York Times written by the professor of management and psychology Adam Grant really unpacks the current moment and its relationship with loss and grief.

Grant calls our current collective mood ‘languishing’; which is dulling our motivation and focus and may lead to mental illnesses in the post-pandemic future if we don’t pay close attention to it. Part of the problem with ‘languishing’ is that we don’t easily recognise it. Naming it, claims Grant, is the first step to building resilience and regaining our mojo.

Interestingly, I have used the article in recent group sessions. It has instigated useful conversations on the loss of human contact within the organisation, and the risks of isolation for some colleagues. I have witnessed in these collective settings the importance of true and sincere dialogue that allows insights and emotions to emerge. Emotions carry the wisdom to help us connect and transcend together the situation while we realise the gift that we are to each other.

Acknowledging Breakdowns

I agree with Grant that we need to (mindfully) acknowledge that we are ‘breaking down’ in order to turn things around. I believe that we sometimes need to reach ‘breaking point’ in order to build a bridge between loss and change.

What is a ‘breakdown’?

It’s a disruption that has been triggered by an unexpected external event, of which we did not have control.

But declaring and owning a breakdown, including honouring all the emotions that are related to it, allows us to change and redesign our lives.

Contrary to the more widely accepted definition, a breakdown doesn’t always leave us in a catatonic state, but can simply mean we are not functioning to our full capacity and vision.

 A Coach’s Role In Creating ‘Turning Points’

As I discussed in my previous blog post around powerful questions, a coach can trigger these mindful turning points not by giving advice, but by asking, or leading the client to ask themself, the right question.

The right question can trigger a generative process in the mindset; because a new reality sets in beyond the fog of languish. It can lead to breakthrough and epiphany, and a restored vision of how we see ourselves, and the possibilities of our actions in the world.

I say ‘can’ because sometimes a client’s needs are outside the competencies of a coaching professional.

A Breakdown-to-Breakthrough Case Study

We were contacted by a client based in Asia. they felt that their listening skills needed improvement in order to navigate governance meetings between multiple stakeholders with different perspectives.

During one of our sessions, an exterior event that they had no control over led to a breakdown. They started receiving phone messages because there was an explosion in Bangladesh in a building that housed the workplace of a friend. Naturally, this news led to anxiety and worry, but they chose to continue with our session. At one point they said, “I am realising they are the most empathetic person I know. Maybe I can ask myself in governance meetings: How would they react in this situation?” It was an incredibly profound moment where we witnessed the power of appreciating the ‘Best Selves’ in others.

Later I learnt that tragically, their friend had died in the explosion.
In subsequent sessions, we discussed this loss, and the epiphanic breakthrough it had generated. Along their career path, the question: How would my friend react in this situation? became a vehicle for honouring the wisdom and the gift of friendship while it equipped this leader to deal with a wide range of relationships.

When Faced With Loss, Honour Others

In the current climate, where our lives are subject to constant disruptive events and our collective grief is palpable, we ask ourselves:

how can we incorporate a ‘sacred’ dimension into our life and work to reshape the future?

We believe, and the case study above demonstrates this, that one way is to develop the habit of honouring the ‘Best Selves’ in others.

Within the definitions of emotional intelligence, the habit of appreciating and recognising the best in others is a paradigm and neuroscience demonstrates that we are constantly shaping one another through the quality of our interactions. This habit creates a positive effect that boosts the mood of both the givers and the receivers of appreciation. 

So let’s try this practice,

What can we do today to honour the gift in others and learn from their ‘Best Selves’?

Doing so, may not only help us to deal with our ‘breakdowns’ but it may also allow us to evolve together from loss to change.